Thursday, December 30, 2010

Married musings....

I think it’s important to have your own place. My husband is pretty understanding about this and when the original plan was for me to move out to his house, we agreed that the sun porch would be ‘mine’ and I was thrilled with that. The perfect light for so many projects, a space to call my own. But I think this thinking is dangerous as well. I find I have to be careful. I married not just to say I’m married, I married to become one with someone I think is worthy of becoming one with.

The challenge will be to maintain individuality while working as one, as a team, not quibbling over how the toilet paper is put on the roll! I enjoy having my own place (or space) too but what are four walls except what they contain? I’m nowhere near the person I know I can be all alone as I am with him and he feels the same about me. Who I am is not where I am and what I own or have control over, if I can keep remembering that, I’ll be in good shape!

Friday, December 10, 2010


Ugh, I can feel that this blog isn't going to last long.  I originally started it to help me get things off my mind and now I just think I have too much to do.  Besides, I'm discovering the lost art of hand-writing.  You know, picking up a nice pen and writing letters which form words.....on paper.  It's great, you should try it sometime.

G and I are very happy.  Being married doesn't change much but it does feel different.  The commitment seems more real, substantial.........and the open-ended fear I felt for eight years in my previous relationship that at any moment, I could get tossed, is completely absent.  You see not only have I chosen him and am committed to him but he is committed to me.  That, in a strange way, strengthens my feeling of commitment to him.  It also makes me feel a lot more loved and worthy of that love.  He took a chance on me just as I did on him.  When I fuck up, he'll still be my husband.  When he fucks up, I'll still be his wife.  Those things won't change and THAT is a miracle not to be taken for granted.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Married life.....

Well the wedding went off with hardly a hitch.  Smooth sailing!  There was so much love in that event it was downright amazing.  It made the whole thing work.  There are some people who were there whose hearts I hope are softer because of it.

So now what?  I'll just keep changing the title and url of this blog as life changes I guess.  Seems silly but I can never settle on one name that is vague yet specific enough to cover what this blog will be....a catalog and diary of sorts.  Boring I know.  The blogs with pictures are much better....well, I suppose I could put some in here just for kicks.  This is where we went for a couple nights to decompress from the wedding.

What an amazing place!  Beautiful woodwork and stained glass!

We had a lovely time and now we are husband and wife and it does feel different.  It feels better.  More secure, and knowing I will get to see him now and forever after 3 years of only seeing him once in a while is an amazing feeling.  I suppose most people would roll their eyes at this but hey, I understand, now also the hard work begins.  We'll handle it.  I've always enjoyed a challenge and sharing a life with someone, that's one helluva challenge alright.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I think it's time to write something

don't you?  13 days until the wedding.  Deep breath.  I know I can get through this.  I think the worst part about it is the unknown.  There will be things that come up that we'll have to deal with.  PERSPECTIVE.  One of the best things G has taught me is how to maintain perspective.  We all get blinders on some days in regards to the big picture and truly, if I can just remember a few things: 1) Not everyone will be happy at this wedding 2) Things will go wrong but is it really important if we run out of something? 3) Hopefully, everyone who comes to this wedding will love me and/or G and want us to be happy but this is also a little unrealistic, especially with cousins coming who I've not spoken to in 15 years......perhaps they have their own reasons for coming and that is just fine 4) It's only one day.

So I made reservations up in Nappanee for a couple night stay after the reception.  The dogs will be boarded.  The cat will be looked in on.  We'll have the most private room at a little B&B.  That is what I'm looking forward to the most.  Now if I can just stop gnawing on my lower lip.........deep breath.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I keep talking about how busy I am.....and I was but now things have changed.  About a week ago we decided that the best course of action was for G to move here instead of me moving out there.  I have mixed emotions about this but the strongest one was relief!  I won't have to find a renter for my condo, I won't have to look for a new job out there to bridge the gap!  Wow.  I think I was in a state of shock for a little while.  I had been so long heading in that direction only to pull up and go in a different one.  It will be nice to have him here.  I won't have to take my dog to work every day.  G works mostly from home so he'll be there a lot. 

Something tells me that this is the right move, at least for now.  When he sells his house, we'll be able to use the money from it to start our farm as we've always wanted to.  We'll be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas!  So now I have free time too, that's an adjustment.  I know I should enjoy it while I can.  The wedding is in 3 weeks and then we'll be together all the time.  I know that will be an adjustment.  I know we can manage it, I'm hoping the long distance thing will make it much harder for us to take our time together for granted. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Stragglers, FOOD & Old Friends

This was one nutty weekend.  Nutty because there was so much to do and I didn't know whether or not I was truly going to enjoy it all.  I was going to see a whole slew of people I hadn't seen in anywhere from 11-15 years ago and ya know, that can be, well.....awkward.  But while yes, there was a little of that, I think I learned that most of the awkwardness is brought on by yourself.  I was deteremined not to feel too awkward, not to worry about what anyone thought of me and I had a total blast.  First at the reunion, then at the Feast where I met up with people from my past as well. 

Despite all this, I enjoyed it all.  Age does that to you I guess.  I didn't flit around like a social butterfly, but I didn't act like a wallflower either.  Oh to be free from the crap that was high school.  I think you have to immerse yourself in with the same people to see if you truly are. 

On the wedding side of thing, this weekend was another one down at mom and dad's house on the computer.  I had 5-6 invitations left to get out and they went smoothly, I even remembered the postage on the RSVP envelopes and corrected the phone # on the map to mom and dad's house.  George caught that last night.  I reprinted all these maps because I had mom and dad's address wrong, sent the right addresses out with the invites, then found out that the phone number is one digit off!  I'm just going to email/mail everyone who RSVP's that the phone number is wrong.  Silly me.  Things will go wrong and it's only a big deal if you make it in to one.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  This time, I didn't.

Beyond that, we are working on picking the readings and etc. for the ceremony, finalizing the menu for the reception and this week I have to double check the budget, I feel like I'm waaaaay behind on that, but I'm still pretty sure we're under budget. But writing everything down on a spreadsheet or something sounds like a really good idea.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Neck Deep in Invitations

This weekend was the big press to get the invitation items all printed out and ready to assemble; mailing date: Oct. 1st.  My Maid of Honor went with me and we spent the day apart, she cut and assembled, I printed and fiddled with the computer.  Thank goodness I've been coming down every weekend to do even more fiddling because it would have taken forever otherwise.  As it was, I drove an hour with her to use my parents nicer computer and printer, not to mention clean workspace.  By our deadline of when she needed to leave to get home, I still hadn't gotten the envelopes all printed.  I worked as hard as I could but in the panicked state I was in, it was pretty futile.  I kept messing up.

Finally, I saved what I could and we packed up and left.  The only problem?  The envelopes HAD to be printed today.  There was no other chance before Friday for me to get them done and I wanted to be home Monday to work on things at home.  So I dropped her off at her car, piled a bunch of food in to a cooler for the stay and the parents, grabbed some pj's and toiletries and turned right back around to drive the hour down to their house again.  I got in, sat down at the computer and within 10 minutes I had figured out the mail merge and was printing off the envelopes 10 minutes after that.  I DO NOT work well under pressure sometimes.  Depends what it is.  Fiddling with mail merges?  Not fun under time constraints.  But it's done.  All told there were 104 invitations.  That's 104 invites, 104 RSVP envelopes, 104 maps, 104 website domain cards, 104 RSVP cards and wow, I'm tired.

So I have to miss singing in the choir at church tomorrow.  :-(  But I'll be back in time to visit with a friend.  And then Monday night full assembly, possibly with reinforcements.  Wow, that was a lot of work, but they really look fabulous.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Father Freak-out

Over the last 2 weeks I have been trying to get a hold of the priest who will be marrying us.  Today he finally called back and before I had hardly gotten a word out he started berating me, nearly yelling about how important it was for us to get all this this and this done and the priest we were counseling with should get us a packet and yaddah on and on and "this isn't like a hair appointment, it's MARRIAGE!".  Will I go to hell for telling a priest to fuck off?  Because that's exactly what I wanted to do.  Priest or no he had no right to talk to me the way he did.  I kept trying to explain that the priest who counseled us said there were no issues that we were ready and just had a few more forms to complete.  So who was right?  We are only doing what we're told.  So to be yelled at for not doing things we were supposed to be doing that we didn't know we were supposed to be doing?  Fuck that.

I gave the priest the phone number of the priest who we counseled with and he said he'd call him and let me know what happend.  Great you go do that.

Second phone call with the priest who's marrying us:  "oh everything is fiiine, it's all squared away, I talked with father and monsignor...." and this and that and the other thing and then what I had hoped to hear  "i'm very sorry if I got a little shrieky with you earlier, I was worried and this is important" etc. etc.  I didn't actually take the call.  I had a feeling that I shouldn't talk to him yet, too angry and upset, and that he would rather leave a message anyway, it facilitates apologies. 

So, it's all good again but that was definitely the 3rd bad thing this week.....a pretty bad week.  Maybe next week the planets will all align in my favor instead.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

To Grow is a Very Big Adventure

So last night I was on the phone with G and I told him that I had been thinking lately.  Dangerous of course but necessary.  There aren't many people in this world who you can spend a few hours with, let alone the rest of your life.  I said "Being married might be tough" to which he said "Not for me!".  Hardy har har.  One thing that I love about us is our ability to laugh.  At ourselves, at each other and with him always cracking jokes (though he knows when things are serius bidness too) it's an enjoyable time. 

But seriously, it bares thinking about.  Spending the rest of your life with someone, one person, truly is serious stuff.  It's too bad people don't realize it.  It's not that you have to walk around with a corn-cob stuck up your arse all the time, it's just that realizing that marrying someone is serious puts you in the frame of mind to think 'Hey, I should really think about this'.  And hopefully you do. 

So I have and honestly, I can already tell the things that will annoy the crap out of me and he can already tell the ways I will annoy the crap out of him.  This to me, is a great start.  Nothing like getting involved with someone with only moonlight and stars in your eyes only to find out you don't know them, all of them.  The good the bad the ugly.  We all have it!

Is this growing up?  I think so.  I started it a long time ago but 'up' implies an end.  I beg to differ.  This is growing.....period.  That's something I hope I never stop doing.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

On the Fence

I keep going back and forth about when to tell my employer that I'll be leaving.  There are two hands involved here.  On the one hand, I really only have to give them two weeks notice.  That's all they ask for.  Great.  Lessens the liklihood that I'll be asked to leave when I tell them etc. etc.  That's happened to me before and let me tell you, it's seriously stressful.  Now with a mortgage, it would be nuts and crazy.

On the other hand, I'll be leaving during the down part of the season, they love me (and I them) and all the hard work (well, not all but some!) I've done over the last nearly 4 years will get lost if all I have is two weeks to get my ducks in a row for the next person.  I don't want everything I've accomplished here to be lost.  Not for some self-absorbed living in imfamy kind of reason, but because I truly care about my employer and the people here.  I think I've gotten them on the right track in many ways and I want to ensure that that track is followed.

So there's the dilemma: would they let me go if I told them I was leaving on say....Oct. 8th or so even though the wedding is Nov. 20th and my last day of work would probably be a few days before that?  That's giving nearly a months notice.

Maybe the compromise would be to figure out how long I'd actually need to get all those ducks in a row......three weeks?  And go with that.  That seems logical.  I can't imagine them letting me go for a two-week notice, they certainly won't let me go for a three week one, especially since it would help them if I could get my brain down on paper to help the next person.   Hm.'s a grand 'ol thing.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Paw paw particulars

We have a couple paw paw trees in the gardens and I've always wondered when they would produce something.  This year they did!  Yay!  We found two ripe paw paw fruit, one which I immediately cut in to to taste:

It's pretty yummy!  I think I'll save the seeds and plant them on the farm.  It would be a great substitute for bananas.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Gonna do it

Setting my mind to it and though I didn't want to be one of those brides that goes on some fad diet just before her wedding......screw it all, I'm going to anyway.  A few years ago I was on the South Beach Diet and lost 25 lbs.  I fell off the wagon a couple years ago when I was working hard outside and able to eat anything I wanted without gaining a pound.  I gradually worked less and less outside and more inside and didn't adjust my eating habits one bit.  Bad idea.  So now I'm up to my H.S. weight which was not great though not terrible.  I'll be honest, I'm not obese.  I could be, and have been much heavier.  But the point isn't just weight.  I'm sick of the peaks and valleys that comes with too many sugary (starches included here!) foods.  I just feel better eating better. 

Who'da thunk it.

So here's to the SB diet.  It's the only thing I've ever found to motivate me.  The first few paragraphs of the book make me think:  "this isn't a fad, it's common sense".  And I can do it.  I've done it before, I can do it again.

One of the side effects that they don't tell you about in the book is how you view food completely different.  All of a sudden (the last time I went on it) I was pissed off.  Completely pissed at all the seductive labeling, the cram-it-down-my-throat tactics that advertisers use to get you to eat their crap.  And that's all it is.....crap. 

It's a battle.  My brain and body (which they want dumb and fat) against their brain and money (which is corrupt and bottomless).  I've always enjoyed a challenge.  It's when I get angry that I sometimes do the most good.  F*** you big food companies.  Your plan is backfiring. 

Unless you want people fat....but then perhaps you just don't care as long as you make money.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Goldenrod Woes

Alright so yes, I'm addicted to fiber.  Not the kind you eat, the kind you spin in to yarn, dye, knit etc.  Right now the goldenrod is blooming and I am trying desperately not to pick it.  Why?  Goldenrod gives some of the most beautiful shades of yellow you've ever seen whe you use it to dye wool!!!!

I'm leaving on a road trip tomorrow and I'll be back Wednesday night.  Will the goldenrod still be blooming?  Yes!  Will my mind reconcile itself to that fact?  No!  Ugh.  Brain cramp.  Fighting your impulses is hard work.  Why don't they ever teach you that growing up?  There should be a course on it in school.  Call it...."think logically not impulsively".  Now THAT would be a worthwhile class.....better than calculus anyway.

So tonight is cleaning, packing, getting geared up fot the drive.  When you know you don't have much time left in a place you tend to do things you've put off.  I went to the lake a few weeks ago.  I visited the grave of the guy I dated who was shot by his father.  That was emotional and strange but I'm glad I did it.  Maybe that's for another post.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Travels and other doings

This week is nutso.  I know I sound like a broken record but I'm still amazed at how quickly time is passing.  Over the weekend I had to dye some wool using elderberries that were about to go bad.  I experimented a little too much and got an ugly hue of brownish purple on one skein of handspun yarn (73 yards) but on the other skein I got this:
Elderberry dye bath with an afterbath of 2:1 water:vinegar

And though the picture doesn't quite do it justice, it's a lovely ashy shade of rose.  Very happy with this hue.  This is an 82 yard skein.  I have more dye bath to work with but as for the failure, note to self: don't used iodized salt in an afterbath!  The salt was supposed to bring out the blue-ish hues and there's definitely some brown in there.  ick.  Oh well.  And it was yarn, not just fiber.  Live and learn and stop experimenting QUITE so much.  There is such a thing as overdoing it. 

So now I have to stop all this and start getting ready to drive out and see G.  I love a road trip!  It's just getting on the road that can be a headache.  Here's hoping my backache will survive the trip.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


I don't know why time works the way it does with me but it seems like most months are a mixture of fast forward, even faster forward and slower than molasses.  It's amazing that August in pretty much over.  September and October are coming on fast and good Lord I have to get more stuff done.  Should I be packing?  I should be packing!!!!  I should be looking for boxes and figuring out what to get rid of and how the hell it's all going to get out there.  Wow, sorry, mini panic attack.

Well this weekend is looking promising.  There's been a lull in veggies to harvest and not much to can because of it.  I think my next venture in making stuff will be to keep working on my weaving/spinning and I may go out here pretty soon and gather Autumn Olive berries to make jam.  Supposedly it's pretty yummy and it's definitely plentiful out here.

Off with my basket!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Crazy Weekend

So every once in a while I designate a weekend as a "Wedding Weekend" in which I go to town, working on wedding stuff either on my own or with my maid of honor.  There have been a lot fewer of those lately.  That's good actually, it means we've gotten a lot done.  To date: favors, vases, rice, design for invitations, dress is figured out though not done, shoes, registry is online, ink cartridges are ordered, I've gotten info for the rehearsal, the date is set (I'd hope so!), the church is set, my beautiful hand knit stole is done........A lot has been accomplished!

Still to do: reserve table cloths, print out and mail invitations (Oct. 1st deadline), buy Unity candle and scroll guestbook, lose 20 lbs (oh wait that's impossible in 3 months)....I know there's more but I can't think right now. This: has helped me think.  This site has a checklist and has helped quite a bit.  Meh now I'm rambling.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Chihuly and a flower border at Meijer Gardens
It dawns on me often that this blog might be a bit more interesting with pictures in it.  Who wants to read words on a screen?  So here's a picture, just to try it out since I've not done it before and see how it looks.  Wow that was easy.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

To Do.

Every once in a while I get in a rut about doing things revolving around the wedding.  It's not that it's not important, it's just that there are tomatoes, red on the vine for canning and greenbeans that also need canning.  This week?  ELDERBERRIES!  Last year I picked so many and I swore I was going to go easy this year.  Right, good luck with that.  They are so gorgeous and big on the shrubs, making the branches droop with their weight.  And then there's the fact that I ate every last bit of the jam I made last year.  I've been directed I must make more (you know who you are) this year so for three hours the other night I sat in front of the TV, a stock pot between my feet, partially bent over with a fork, combing the umbels of elderberries, quite sure I wouldn't finish them all, and I didn't.  So what's in store for tonight but mooooore elderberries.  After the showing.

That's another amazing thing.  After many weeks of no showings, suddenly I'm having one a week.  Quite the incentive to keep my place clean.  Which is good, except when I'm doing things like cleaning elderberries.  They stain quite well, and no doubt some will be used on my wool (v. pretty purple) which is exciting, and what do I see around the corner but the goldenrod starting to bloom!  Ack!  That's the other thing I swore I'd do more of is dye some wool with goldenrod.  It's such a lovely shade of yellow and so easy to get lots of flowers!  *SIGH*  This is why it's a three month dash.  Not because of all the stuff I have to do to get ready to get out of here....but because of all the stuff I love to do that I can't seem to put away.  The seasons command me to do what needs doing at the moment they give me these things; elderberries, goldenrod, tomatoes and greenbeans.  I can't not do something with these wonderful gifts, it seems such a waste to refuse them.  But I think I also need to understand that the goldenrod doesn't only bloom for a week.  It blooms nearly up to frost.  It will be around for a while.

Pace yourself Patty, or by November 20th you'll barely be able to walk down the aisle under the weight of your 'to do' list.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Surprise Shower

Last night I went to my knitting group as usual but didn't knit a stitch.  I walked in and was completely surprised by a well-planned wedding shower.  I really couldn't believe it.  It was so above and beyond what I expected.  Those women are awesome.  It just goes to show what a little sign on a board in a Starbucks can bring.  I am very happy that I helped bring all these lovely ladies together.  I've made friends, they've made friends.....I think I'm still a bit stunned by how much of a success it was.  I remember being so nervous the first night I went.  Mom came along with me and we sat there, one lady showed up, it was Wendy.  The next time or two Lanette showed and for a while we three got to know each other.  Then Lesley and so on and on. 

Luckily Wendy took charge of advertising because I just didn't have time to do it.  She put our SNK in the paper, gathered everyones emails and made sure the lines of communication were open.  I may have started the group but Wendy made it what it was today.  Without her, it wouldn't have been nearly as succesful.  Thanks to Wendy.

There is just something inherently calming about sitting in a group of women working on a similar craft, having similar stories and worries, getting to know one another.  Every single one of them brings something different to the group.  I've had my nights where I was disappointed in the conversation or hormonal and cranky but if making friends was all about only happy wouldn't mean nearly so much.  I will miss them all.

One of the reasons it was so shocking too is I've spent 2 1/2 years waiting to leave.  That party made me realize I really AM leaving.  Three months.  I have three months left in this place where even though I've not been perfectly happy, I've definitely made my way, I've definitely made myself at home.  Leaving will be hard, living here would be even harder.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Three Month Dash

Things are about to get crazy.  They already are crazy, no doubt, but in three months my whole world will change.......for the better of course.  In the grand scheme of things, I suppose what's happening to me happens to lots of people but there's one thing that makes my situation a bit different.  I'm not marrying in to a situation in suburbia with 2.5 children and a dog, I'm marrying in to (and gladly), the beginning of a self-sufficient farm.

Two and half years ago when George and I met, we slowly started realizing how unique we both were.  I remember the conversation that sprouted the idea of us starting a SS farm, it was playful and light.  We talked about naming our first horse after the city we met in and from there we began.  Neither one of us were sure how it was going to happen but it was something we longed to do; get off the grid, stop the 9-5 bull and live a meaningful, simple, spiritual life, void of everyone and everything telling us how we should feel, what we should buy and what would make us happy.

So here I am, about to leave a job that pays very well, a community I've grown to enjoy with people I've learned to love; all for the sake of a voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that there's so much more in having so much less.  I've never been one to back away from a plunge.  And here, in this journal, besides having a place to vent, I'll have a place to detail what's happened, what's happening and what I hope for the future in this venture with the man soon to be called 'husband'.  Stay tuned.