Sound familiar? Well I hope not to you but to me it's unfortunately, all....too....familiar. It's not a rut. Ruts are something you recognize and pull yourself out of. But something this repetitive, this obviously not me must be none other than a script.
I don't want to get too technical. I don't want to lose you, kind reader, now that I've mentioned what might be a foreign topic. Let's just say sometimes I feel like Sybil. No no no, I'm not THAT screwed up but there might be more than one Fearless Farmgirl contained in this skin.
FF (full-o-shit) hedges the truth, is afraid of what others may think of what she says, keeps people at arms length with this behavior, stops 'out-creating' and let's destructive behaviors take over, is so full of bull shit she must dish it out in order to not overflow with it, fears most everything, everyone, nearly all the time.
So who would you rather be?
(Real) FF is me. That me that has made her own decisions based on her own clever brain and observations.
(FOS) FF is the script.
Hence the battle of the two me's.
It's a battle of present vs. past, earned vs. learned behaviors and most recently; of light vs.dark. My subconscious knows what to do. Check this clever dream out:
"I'm riding a bike in the dark, alone, on the main road between the town I most associate with my childhood and a different town. I feel wrapped in cotton batting, I can see but I am afraid. I know I've had this dream before. Next I'm in bed in a place of all light, the sheets are bright white, daylight is streaming in. I'm good. But I want to go back to the place that is dark. I can feel the urge. The dark place is comfortable, it's secure. This place of light and brightness is too new, too outside my comfort zone."
|Some things start at the nest|
There it is. All laid out. Do one thing, think another. Be one way but feel another. The script is what you show the world because it's comfortable, familiar, the burn is what you do because you can't stop thinking that who you really are will bother everyone so you relegate yourself to only burning behind closed doors.
I can't help but marvel that at 35 years old, I am still writing posts about finding myself. Two steps forward, three steps back. Always Travelling.
I wish I had some resolutions to state here. Some: "I will never do _____ again!" in order to figure this all out but I am not that wise. And if it were that easy, it would be done, over and gone.