Monday, January 16, 2012

Missing You.

All of you. I know it seems I've disappeared from you all, and I have.  I disappeared from you and from myself.  Things are not going well when suddenly I feel the need to stop sharing, to withdraw and seek solace in non-creative venues.  Movies.  Eating.  Sleeping.

Sound familiar?  Well I hope not to you but to me it's unfortunately, all....too....familiar.  It's not a rut.  Ruts are something you recognize and pull yourself out of.  But something this repetitive, this obviously not me must be none other than a script.

I don't want to get too technical.  I don't want to lose you, kind reader, now that I've mentioned what might be a foreign topic.  Let's just say sometimes I feel like Sybil.  No no no, I'm not THAT screwed up but there might be more than one Fearless Farmgirl contained in this skin.

Split personality?
FF (real) says things like they are, doesn't hold back, cares deeply about many things, expresses herself all the time in creative crafting, doesn't tolerate bull shit and isn't scared of no one, no thing, no how.

FF (full-o-shit) hedges the truth, is afraid of what others may think of what she says, keeps people at arms length with this behavior, stops 'out-creating' and let's destructive behaviors take over, is so full of bull shit she must dish it out in order to not overflow with it, fears most everything, everyone, nearly all the time.

So who would you rather be?

(Real) FF is me.  That me that has made her own decisions based on her own clever brain and observations.

(FOS) FF is the script.

Hence the battle of the two me's.

It's a battle of present vs. past, earned vs. learned behaviors and most recently; of light vs.dark.  My subconscious knows what to do.  Check this clever dream out:

"I'm riding a bike in the dark, alone, on the main road between the town I most associate with my childhood and a different town.  I feel wrapped in cotton batting, I can see but I am afraid.  I know I've had this dream before.  Next I'm in bed in a place of all light, the sheets are bright white, daylight is streaming in.  I'm good.  But I want to go back to the place that is dark.  I can feel the urge. The dark place is comfortable, it's secure.  This place of light and brightness is too new, too outside my comfort zone."

Some things start at the nest
Dar Williams said it best in her song "Iowa".  She says: "But way back, where I come from, we never mean to bother, we don't like to make our passions of the people's concern, and we walk in the world of safe people, and at night we walk into to our houses and burn...."

There it is.  All laid out.  Do one thing, think another.  Be one way but feel another.  The script is what you show the world because it's comfortable, familiar, the burn is what you do because you can't stop thinking that who you really are will bother everyone so you relegate yourself to only burning behind closed doors.

I can't help but marvel that at 35 years old, I am still writing posts about finding myself.  Two steps forward, three steps back.  Always Travelling.

I wish I had some resolutions to state here.  Some: "I will never do _____ again!" in order to figure this all out but I am not that wise. And if it were that easy, it would be done, over and gone.

Life is a journey.  All we can do is 'do our best with the time that is given to us'. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. I hope the real FF will come back and join us here in Bloggerland. We miss you too.